Incomplete

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I'd try to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I'd try to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

*****************************************************

So yeah. Backstreets Boys' song is something that reflect my feeling as for now. I'd like to dedicate this song for you.

I feel...

Really glad to hear that you had fun there. See? Told you!

Hmm. You never actually told me about him. For all I know, you have 3 brothers. Now I get to know about them a little.

Wow. Really? Never knew something like that. I bet it's because it's important for them as they want to be with girls that can fit in well with the family members and you're like the first wall for the girls to surpass before finally meeting your parents. That's rather nice actually.

So how was the outing with the future sister in-law? Is she nice or cool?

Well, I went out again today. To Starbucks. Just enjoying few cups of coffee and updating apps and softwares. Bought Milano pasta on the way home.

It's rather boring without you here. Well, those girls from the other night are great companies but it's just that it's not the same.

I feel incomplete without you.

It Is Holiday!

I gotta say, the trip was great! Fun at the same time! We had volleyball tournaments and me and Takuya came second. Of course, we lost to Yukari and Minami. I gotta say, Minami really have improved his sporting skills.

Other than relaxing at the hot spring, we went to the beach and yes. Like you said, we had watermelons. Lots of them!

When we arrived at Tokyo just now, Hideaki were waiting for me and Minami at the house. Finally we get to see him. I told you right? He had returned from his business trips before I went to Kyoto last week but I didn’t get to see him as he was busy with work.

Maybe you don’t now but me and Aki are not really that close compare to me and Ichi. I don’t know why but probably because me and Ichi have the same interest which is architecture and everything else that revolves around it.

But we both love classical music so I guess we have something in common. Remember the last time when you asked me about the black records that I have in the apartment? Even though I have the digital versions in my iPod? That is actually our hobby. Collecting records. We got it from mum. Mum loves classical music as well.

So Aki told me he’s seeing someone right now. But he’s not sure whether she’s the one or not. He wants me to come with him tomorrow to see this girl he talked about. Probably hang out or go shopping or something like that. To see whether she’s good to go or not. One thing you should know about my brothers, they all have this thing about me approving the girls they’re seeing. It so weird sometimes but that’s just how it is.

So yes, that’s my plan for tomorrow. To meet with a girl who had stole my second brother’s heart.

Aww, she likes it? That’s nice to hear. Really glad that you had fun, even I’m not there. See? I told you. You can have some fun with other friends as well. Gives you different experience.

Alright, I’m going to turn in. Talk to you tomorrow.

Of KLCC and Someone's Birthday

Though you probably relaxing with your friends while eating lots of watermelons right now, here I am hanging out at our favourite spot. KLCC.

Nothing much to do though. The presentation was fine. Not much of changes needed to be done.

Takuya? Yeah. You did mentioned him before. I think it was the time I asked you about the guy who bought you that UNIQLO sweatshirt, remember? It was funny to see you have a matching one with his.

Wait. Are you saying you finally looking at this guy as a GUY? Cause you said before that you only think of him as your junior and that’s about it.

This is huge! He must be really hot for you to check him out.

Anyway, someone’s sent you regards and thank us for the present that we got her for her birthday. She said it was lovely and suited her taste very well. I brought white chocolate macadamia from Secret Recipe and Kim brought some drinks. I don’t know how but Dee brought some fireworks. We had so much fun while playing water balloons fight. Really brought me back to high school.

All right, go and have fun some more. Send everyone my best regards, and be careful on your way back to Tokyo.

Much love,

Old Friend

Today there’s not much that I did other than meeting up with mum’s friends and catching up with some old friends from high my undergraduate days who happened to be in Tokyo during this of the year. Not surprising. It’s summer.

One of those old friends is Takuya. Mimura Takuya. I told you about him, right? My junior back in high school in New York. He flew in last week when I told him I was going to come back to Tokyo for holiday and I asked him to hang out at my house today.

It’s been more than a year too actually. Other than emails, I didn’t really contacted him the past year. He was busy as well. He just graduated from university and right now is planning to further his study in architecture as well. Of course, I suggested my university and he said he’s going to consider it.

You know what? He looked so different from the last time I met him. No more boy band looks on him, just real mature and stylish. No more hoodies and cargo pants, just casual looks but with a hint of fashion. I gotta say, he looks fine.

We talked for like hours, and then Minami came and we ordered pizza. Talked some more and then he left an hour ago. I also asked him to join us tomorrow to go to the hot spring with Yukari and Minami as well and he said yes.

This weekend is going to be fun. Hope it’ll be the same for you too.

Relieved Finally

Wow. Just wow. I had to read twice before I can digest the whole thing.

Really? Did it really happened like that? Or is this some kind of joke?

Poor that child. I hope his disease is at manageable stage.

Just like that and everything went back to normal.

This is truly a blessing. For Hikari and Takashi. You too.
Thank God.

Really? Yu really miss my pancakes that much? Liar. You always complained saying either it’s too sweet or it’s too fluffy.

Board meetings? Wow. Good luck with that. Don’t feel asleep though. Last time I did and I never hear the end of it from my dad.

Have fun with Yukari and Minami. Oh, say thanks to Minami for his gifts last time. That manga is truly an amazing collection. Tell him I’ll be sending him something later.

I’m so relief right now. I just feel so happy for you.

Though there’s a presentation tomorrow. Preliminary of our final design. Wish me luck!

Surprised.

We were fetched by Minami at the airport. After I went back to our house, he drove me and Hikari to the hotel where I had the meeting with Takashi.

Arrived at the hotel, I was surprised with two things.

Takashi brought the woman with him. And a child.

I didn’t know what was gonna happened at that moment but damn I was about to slap that man in his face but Hikari held my hand instead and gave me a nod.

She knows about the child as well.

All I know right now that the woman is actually Takashi’s junior back in senior high school. They were dating but Takashi’s family didn’t approve the girl because she came from a poor family. Which resulted Takashi was being sent to London to attend boarding school. Left behind, the woman, aged only 18 at that time, moved to Kobe.

But something happened, the child is sick. He was diagnosed with leukaemia about 3 months ago. If you’re curious, the child isn’t his though. But the father died of the same disease. So the woman, Yuriko, asked help from Takashi. Not only because he’s a doctor, but also money problems.

I know you’re probably wondering why Takashi don’t just come clean and tell Hikari about all this, right?

Well, I don’t really know actually. But from my observation, this could be like mine and Hikari’s situation. How we both jumped into conclusion sometimes, plus they are still young couples.

So, yeah. Everything is back to normal right now. The child is staying at Takashi’s family hospital. Hikari had already went back to their house.

... and here I am, still can’t believe this whole thing were settled merely in one day. I gotta say though. It all thanks to you. if you weren’t pushing me taking all these wise decisions, these things weren’t gonna happen.

Thus, we all move on finally. To next things in our life. Me and Hikari go back being friends, and she’s with her family right now.

You know what? Suddenly I miss your pancakes! Especially with the honey and strawberry jam together.

For the upcoming week, I’m going to attend the board meetings. For the first time. Well, officially. I always come to my dad’s office when I was small.

Yukari’s taking me and Minami for a little trip to hot springs this weekend.

I wish you were here. I really do.

We All Have That I Guess

Now you understand why I keep on insisting on hand washing my clothes (and yours sometimes) most of the times. Well, except of submission weeks.

I think the whiteness of the sheets and their smell after being washed and dried by the sun can make me... Happy. I think it’s the same or at least similar feelings.

.... No. This isn’t me saying I want to be a housewife.

Anyway, I’m glad to hear that. I hope things work out between her and her husband and of course, you and Hikari as well.

... If you had the chance to swing by the Nikon centre over there, grab me their latest issues, okay? The English version or else you gonna need to translate them for me.

Have a safe trip home.

Even for awhile

There is this place where used to go with grandpa when I was small. You see, my grandpa used to be a carpenter. That explains the other day when you asked about why my dad’s habit of cutting wood and sanded them with his own hands even though he’s the president of our company. He said, cutting wood and smelling the scent of the freshly cut woods fade his problems away. Well, at least away from his mind for awhile. Grandpa taught him that. The small workshop where my grandpa used to work in now sits on our property and some workers whose dads worked together with grandpa are still there. It’s more like a big family business.

When I went there today, I got to see the works of the carpenters. They’re so exquisite and elegant. The carvings are so detailed and smoothly done. Most of the carvings are being used in the shrines. While some are for decorations.

This whole thing, I don’t know why. It makes me feel like I can breath again inspite of everything that I'm going through right now. About me and Hikari, me coming back to Japan after so long and other things as well.

By the way, I’m going to Tokyo tomorrow. To meet up with Takashi. I want to know why he was seeing someone behind Hikari’s back. Who is that woman? But this time, it’s going to be different. I won’t be going alone. I’m going to bring Hikari with me. If it’s possible, I want to help them to go back together.

Grandma asked whether I’m coming back to Kyoto after this or not but dad said he needed me for the time being so I guess I’m gonna stay at home for upcoming weeks.

Pray that everything will be alright.

I'll Always Be

For all I know, it’s you that made me more sensitive about other people. Remember how we used to not to care about other people around us until we finally realised that it’s not healthy as we need other people in this field of architecture?

I think it’s safe to say that being in architecture has made both of us mature a little bit the past 2 years, huh?

I used to hang out with people that I think so shallow about them. And you used to think that hanging out with people with different personality is a waste of time. Remember that?

Now we both enjoy doing that as we need to learn about other people preferences and styles especially when it comes to designing something for someone.

So yes, it’s time for both of us to be an adult and take things more seriously.

I will always be here for you if you ever need anything, Erry.

I will be here. Waiting.

Always.

That's Unexpected.

I never thought that you could say something like that.

Which is true. In every word. I have realised  that the past had clouded my judgment.

You’re right about me who kept on dwelling with the past. I should stop right?

But will I be able to forget about the whole thing and move on?

I should probably talk to her. Maybe at some point, I will be able to understand this whole thing better and help her solving her problems.

Talking about being an adult. I guess it’s not that simple, huh?

True. But...

But I think it’s given for you to act like that. For that you don’t have to feel guilty about it. I’ll take it that’s how you supposed to to do if you’re really care for someone.

The line of whether we supposed to cross or not can be ambiguous sometimes. I do feel like that sometimes especially when it comes to you. That explains why I always let you to lead me on how to handle things between us. Whether or not you should be telling me on how to deal the things around me, most of the time, I’ll let you decide.

But then again, I think it’s wise to rethink this whole thing again. Or rather, see it in a whole different way.

Plus, it’s not the time to dwell in the past anymore. We’re human. We should move on. You always say that to me all the time.

I admit. Things are bit different when it comes to her. But then again, it was in the past.

Maybe you should focus on the matter at hand right now.

I know this may sound a bit harsh but look at the things closer than before.

She’s already married to Takashi. Isn’t it as her friend you should advise her to go back to her husband and solve the problems instead of running away from it? No matter what, they’re husband and wife. There’s not much we could do. Unlike before.

What’s best right now is for you to help her to return to her family.

Believe me and have faith in her. You know her the best. You should know what to do.

Honestly?

I don’t know.

Throughout the 3 years of our friendship, I can be overprotective sometimes. I could say that it’s all because of what happened in her life before we were in university. All I want was for her not to get hurt.

It sounded a bit selfish, right? But I learned my lesson which is why I never want you to feel pressured into anything. As much as I want you to be in my life, I don't want you to feel suffocated while me being me. Cause maybe that was the reason why Hikari reacted that way during that time. 

Maybe I was the reason why she said those things to me.

Maybe my personality had driven her to act that way.

For all I know, maybe I was the reason we had that fight.

That Is...

Wow. That's what happened?

I had no idea. All this time I thought you guys were fighting over that guy. Hehe I'm kidding.

I'm sorry I made you telling me all this. I'm sure there's more to it but it's okay.

Well, how are you holding up? With her around, I'm sure things a bit overwhelming. Thank God you guys are staying in your grandma's house. At least there's something that can I don't know. Get yourself occupied or something.

Now I get the picture.

But you know what, I still think you guys should get over that.

I know it's tough. But I'm just saying that probably by making up to each other while you guys can still see each other eye to eye, can at least lift the burden in your heart. Her as well.

From what I can see from my point of view, I really think she needed someone to at least lend her a shoulder, hold her hands and say everything is going to be alright. And that someone is you.

I know. Maybe it's too much too ask of you after what she had done. But trust me. Being selfish right now isn't going to help neither of you.

So, help her. With anything that troubles her right now. Even just listening to her problems.

You'll do that, right?

I Think It's Time

I think this called for an explanation. You know what, I’m gonna tell you what happened. Well, not in details but I hope you get the picture.

In the middle of 2010, I was in my 3rd year and same goes to Hikari. During that time, I was gonna go for 5 years programme but I was still not sure. Cause I’ve considering to go to another school cause one thing for sure during that time, I don’t want to practice architecture in Japan.

It was around June when Hikari told me about Takashi proposing to her and all her plans with Takashi, getting married and stuffs. Since Takashi was gonna graduate a year in advance compared to his friends, so he decided to propose to Hikari and they wanted to get married right after we graduate.

But then, at that time, I'd already known for quite some time about Takashi being engaged to Nanami, my classmate Satoshi’s younger sister. I didn’t said anything before that cause I thought Hikari and Takashi were just in senior-junior relationship and Hikari did told me how she admires him for being so great at his studying and eventually going to inherit his family hospital.

About that, I also found out that Satoshi’s family has arranged the engagements as the fathers were friends so it was decided for them to get married. Both for family and business purposes.

That’s when I confronted Takashi and he admitted he was wrong for not telling Hikari cause he wanted to call off the engagement. But then again, we both know it’s not that simple cause it’s not just about the him and Nanami. It’s about the family relations and businesses as well.

I was supporting Takashi with his decision but then few months after our meetings, I found out about the wedding preparation that Satoshi had to make for his sister.
So I inquired Hikari about it and at that time things started to get a bit intense. With the final projects and everything, I was really stressed at that time and next thing I knew, I was in this huge fight with her.

I left Japan right after graduation. Like you’ve already know, I was in London. Looking for an architecture school. Well, that’s just another reason. The main reason is because I wanted to get away from her. I didn’t contacted anyone apart from my family. Yukari was so surprised with what had happened between me and Hikari, she even flew from New York just to see me. But during that time, I was so devastated with everything that happened and refused to go back to Japan as she persuaded me.

At that moment, I swore that I would never care for someone like her. I was so hurt for what had she done. But of course, we both know I broke that promise.
Then around March last year, Minami came to visit me. Along with some informations. Turned out Nanami also dated someone else and she was the one who called off the engagement. With that, Hikari and Takashi got married and I’ve seen some photos from wedding. And a letter from Hikari.

All she said she was sorry and want me to return to Japan. But as you’re already know, I didn’t.

What More Can I Say

Of course it's gonna take some time before you guys can be like before.

It will be more and more complicated if you think it like that. So deal with it but by bit. I'm sure you can just slow things down and maybe just talk about little things. Which you're already done as you went around those places you used to go with her.

Of course you still being emotional even after a year. She was your best friend. For more than 3 years you guys were together.

I know how the whole "your guard is up" thing works. You basically still have the wall around her.

It's just that maybe you can lower the wall and let loose for a bit.

You know I love you no matter what, right?

Yes and No

True what you said. We won't talk unless we happened to be caught by the situation.

But then again, most of the things we talked about, has nothing to do with what had happened between us.

She decided to take a semester off. To clear her head, maybe. She haven't really spoken to Takashi either. It's been almost a month I think.

It's getting more and more complicated I think. The more we talked, the more my chest hurts. As if I wanted to cry. As if I went back to the moment when she told me she wanted to be with the guy who's actually engaged to someone else. And when I told her all about it, she said Takashi had already called off the engagement with that girl. The girl actually my classmate's sister. That I know that there's no way Takashi can called off the engagement easily just because he likes Hikari.

I don't know, Ellie. This thing happened over a year ago. But I still don't know why I'm still so emotional about this while thing. But apparently, neither of us is ready to go down and talk about it.

Today, she asked me to go to that shrine that I told you about. It's actually a very special place for both of us. But I don't want to ruin that. I just want to leave that place in "sweet memories" partition in my heart. Hence, I asked her to go around the city instead. Just enjoying the places that we went before.

Small art shops where I used to go to get my drawing supplies, the bridge I used to hang out after school the year I went to high school in Kyoto for merely one semester because I want to spend more time with grandpa. The year he left all of us.  Some other places that I used to go with her.

Except for that shrine. Not that one.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. Grandma's calling for late night drink.

See you in my dream tonight.

That Was Unexpected

But I guess it won't happen unless if it's like that, right?

So what now? What are you going to do after all that?

Did you guys finally made up? Or this doesn't change a thing?

Finally, We Did.

I decided to go for a walk around the house this morning. Grandma's house isn't as expanded as our house but the garden is definitely grander compared.

Then I went to this part of the garden where my grandpa built with his own hands, a mini pavilion. To go there I have to walk on the bridge, then there are stepping stones that looked like as if they're floating on the water and finally when I reached it, I could see more than half of the garden and a lake nearby.

There's a small table at one corner and within its drawers are my journals. I used to write in them when I was small. Every time I came to grandma's house, I'll write an entry. Some times more.

Another peaceful moment.

But after an hour sitting there, I realised I hadn't had breakfast. By the time I turned around to head back to the house, Hikari was standing there. With a tray of food.

She said my grandma wanted her to give this to me as she knew I would be here.

... But I think it's more like she was the one who knew I would be here.

So yes. Finally we had the talk.

Oh, Dear.

Well, what more can I say. Maybe it's a good thing. This is the opportunity that I was talking about.

Just talk to her. Maybe it will do both of you some goodness.

Here Again

As I walk on the stone path, the birds greeted me with their whistles.

The sound of the flowing water. Just soothe my soul.

Arrived at the tea house, I was served with green tea.

As I sat at the washitsu, listening to my surrounding, I feel at peace. After so many sleepless nights at the studio, those heavy workloads.

I'm at Shang Ri La. Well, technically it's a Japanese garden but yes. It's heaven on earth.

I sat there for like 6 hours. I think. Then at the evening, I get to see grandma who came from the local culture centre. She teaches young girls Ikebana. The art of arranging flower.

I talked with grandma of course while having the dinner. It's been awhile since I had the real traditional Japanese cuisine.

But then, all the joy and laughter ended when Yukari came with a big surprise. Both for me and grandma.

Yes. It's Hikari. To grandma she used to be her student. One of the best. So they kinda tight. Plus, she was always around. Well, during the time when we're together.

But there was nothing changed between her and grandma.

But not for me.

It's Been..

... Merely 2 days. I feel so empty.

Class was boring. Well, all we learned today was just practicing the AutoCAD shortcuts. Sigh.

It's nice hearing that. Family reunion. Nothing can bring more happiness than a happy family reunion. Send my regards to them.

You're going to Kyoto? I'm so envy of you. You have to bring me there when I finally going to Japan someday. I really want to feel the magical breeze that you told me about.

Hey, I found the note that you slipped into my sweater while we're at the airport. I gotta admit. Been thinking a lot about it.

Are you seriously going to do that? I thought you finally can go back being friends with her.

Especially after those days she stayed in your apartment.

Look, I really think you should take this opportunity to fix whatever that is broken. I think it's about time for you to do that. Like you said. It's been over a year.

I've got homework to do so I guess that's all from me. I'll post up some more later.

Take care.

All I Need

As I arrived at the house, there is nothing more pleasant than having your parents waiting for you. .

Hideichi arrived from Osaka just in time and Hideaki had flew in from New York this morning. As for Minami, he's enjoying his summer break right now.

We talked, exchanged stories while having family dinner after so long.

I admit. It's been more than a year too. The last time I was in Japan was before the thing that happened between me and Hikari. I left for London even without telling them and then next thing I know I was in KL. Looking for architecture school. Well, that was few months before I met you.

Okay... You can say it to my face. The decision to come home is a right one.

I guess I owe you one.

I'm going to Kyoto tomorrow. Visiting grandma. Finally, I can visit the shrine that I told you about before.

Alright. I guess that's all for tonight. There are a lots of other things I want to tell you about but it's been a long day.

May the wind bring my prayers along with it and whispers them to your ears.

I miss you, too. No doubt in that.

2 Bags of Tea

And I can't seem to be me.
All things turn blue.
I guess I really miss you.

Sleepless Night

7 cup of coffees. I have been thinking about you said last night.

Fine. This time I'm gonna go with what is wise. For me.

Therefore, I'm flying back to Japan tomorrow.

Come with me? To Japan?

Being Honest

Truth to be told, I really cherish you. I feel like I'm the luckiest person for having you in my life.
But I don't want you to feel like as if you have some sort if obligation towards me.
I do need your support in everything I do. But it doesn't mean that you should not care about other people in your life.
I feel like I'm taking you away from people that love you.
I don't want that. So yes. You're going back to Japan next week and go visit your parents. I bet your brothers want to see their only sister in the world too.
I already asked your lecturer on your behalf and he said it's okay for you to drop your subject since we're still in the first week.
I guess I'll be going to airport again. But this time I won't be returning back to campus with you.
Good night.

It's Not What It Looks Like

I know. I've been putting up the face that you want to see.

But trust me. Me and Hikari haven't really talked about what had happened about a year ago.

I did what you want me to do. Being a good friend. And I really did.

It's complicated. Yeah. I said it before. But it's not really that easy to bring up heavy stuff like that and just talk.

Me and Hikari are about the same person. And from what I can tell, she doesn't seem to admit that she's at fault for what she had done.

But what's done is done. And she's gone. She emailed me just now. Telling me that she has arrived in Kyoto. Staying in her old house. Her biological parents house. The Yamashita.

For all I know, I'm just relief. She's gone back and I'm back to normal. As in life with you. Just you. It's been crazy the past month.

I pick you up for dinner tomorrow.

See you.

I'm So Happy

Though I didn't really express how I feel while we're at the airport, I really do.

Seeing you and her just now made me realised something. That how lucky I am to be your friend. You literally took care of everything. Though Yukari was there the whole time, I know you've been taking care of her too.

I'm glad you and her managed to patch things up. I really do.

About that.

Honestly, I haven't really thought about that.

I don't know what my parents expect from me. I've been driven by my own decisions all my life. Plus I have 3 brothers. I'm sure my parents will be happy getting grandchildren from their wives.

Like I said before, I don't know what's gonna happen in the future but all I want is for us to stay together.

Me working towards to be an architect. You too.

There's not much left of things that I want in my life. I'm more than satisfied with all the things that I have.

I have you in my life. What else do I want some more?

It's Monday.

For the first time after a very long time, I don't have class on Monday.

Anyway, while walking back towards the hostel, I was thinking.

If we gonna be friends till the end of our lives, what about other people?

Our family for an example. Sure my parents would want me to settle down with someone. Some guy.

.... And your parents too. Of course they want you to be with someone they approve.

Our living together in the future. It's just temporary, right?

I love it!

I have to say. This one is very thoughtful of you.

Though the weather in Malaysia is hot all year around, but being in fully air-conditioned studio like 18 hours a day can be crazy sometimes. Safe choice of colour! Black has always been my favourite.

Anyway, Yukari had already bought their tickets to Tokyo. It's gonna be this Wednesday and I already told them that you'll be coming with me to the airport.

So I guess I'll see you then.