Thinking that...

..nothing could replace you in my heart, mind and soul. You're the only one for me and I will always be with you... Forever.

I always wonder if I could ever let you go. Let you find someone that's worth your time and presence. Let you breath in the world of other's.

Let you go and be happy.

I could imagine you running in your white dress with the smell of the soft curls of your hair brought back to me by the wind...

I could imagine the small strides of yours and the look on your face every time you turned around and smile at me...

the warmth of your eyes... I could feel it in me...

but how could I let you go? ... and leave me here.. all alone?

ah... I cringed at the word 'alone'...

Will you forgive me for being selfish?

Be Careful What You Wish For

when things that you always wanted laid there in front of you, have you ever thought that maybe it's best not to take it?

Longing For You

Then again, I can't seem find my way back to your arms...

Why am I destined to be here... Far away from you?

Is it true that in the end we can never be together?

Hoping That...

Lately, things just get rougher and harder each and everyday. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here. Walking around with some pencils and papers, trying to get inspirations.

I could just sit in front of some people and hear their sayings but I can't listen to any of those words.

I could walk under the subway but only hear few whispers.
I could see many colours around me but my eyes will locked on brown-coloured things.
I could solve hundreds of Math problems but in my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about you.

I was hoping that you could be here with me.
I was so lonely that I could close my eyes and cry.
I was so lonely that I could scream and not hear anything.
I was so lonely that I could listen to Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto and burst into tears within seconds.

I was so lonely that I could see your shadows everywhere with me.

Hoping that you're really here with me.

Our Rhythm of Love

The first would be...

Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 2 in C Minor.

It's Not Impossible

... I thought we could never be together... Yet here I am... With you... The sight of you by my side is just beautiful...

There so many things I want to tell you right now but words can't just describe the way I feel right now...

I'm so grateful...

But I still wonder...

If we could be like this forever...

Finally

Been thinking on how we can be together...

Will you take the honor of becoming the co-author of this blog?

Not Knowing

Sometimes... I better off not knowing...

Too Many To Ask

I've got so many questions in my head that keep on rising to the surface of my conscious mind.

But, I need an answer to this question first.

Why am I here?

I could've been in so many other places but why am I here?

I've been running so long from something that I can hardly remember what it is so tell me, why am I here?

Tell me the truth and bear me no lies.

I've got too many questions to ask you but all I'm saying is, I'm done.

I'm leaving. Now.

Hatred

Beshrew the heart that makes my heart to groan.

- William Shakespeare

To Be or Not To Be

That is not the question.

Revenge.

For many years I have lived, I've seen revenge more than anything else I could see.

Revenge in the hearts of human....

Trying to make others pay what you lost...
Trying to get something that isn't yours to begin with...

An Illusion?

It's like these silver eyes woke my deepening heart...
How to best describe it?
Oh, that's right...
Like they're not of this world...
These eyes...

Is this an illusion?

What is this feeling?
What should I do?
I'm on the verge of tears...

Lacrimosa

Joining harmoniously in the dark
Despair and the future
The moonlight that exposes my sorrow
Shines coldly

With the secret you gave me as a companion
I proceed into the silence of the blue night

Lacrimosa
Broken and vanishing into the distance
I want to love this dazzling world once more
I hide my dreams within my eyes
Until my tainted heart
Receives falling tears

A phantom carriage parts the darkness
On its way to where there is light
The trap known as dreams
Lures us into the inferno

To the merciless gods above the sky
No cry will get through
Lacrimosa...

Let us become firewood that has been burnt until we are hollow
And burn that sky until it is no more

Lacrimosa
Fallen and born here
I want to love this blood-soaked world without fear
Instead of being forgiven, forgive and have faith
And remain on the face of this earth
To count the tearful days that pass


Song by Kalafina (Closing Theme Song for Black Butler)
Lyrics taken from here

Truth or Lies?

When I saw you last night, I was thinking... Why do you need to tell her all of the things that I'm the only one who know? I thought this was gonna be special between us the fact that we're the only ones who know..

But now? What else could be left after all this?

I just don't get it... I don't see why you want to ruin your image among your friends... All this time, you are okay with what they know about you... Why?

Why all of a sudden you want to come clean with them and tell them who you really are? You think by telling them something more about you they gonna love you more? They gonna care abut you more?

All I'm saying is, you can't back out of this no more.. not after they know so much about you...

Longing for You

How can I even imagine of life without you?

I'll die. Not literally but emotionally... You're my half. You're the subject of everything that matters to me.

How can I even imagine of life without you?

I tried once. I ran away from you. Thought I could be gone for a while and maybe, just maybe I could find my own place. I was thinking that maybe I just want to find myself again. To find something that can satisfy me without having you in my life.

But I failed on that mission. Before I know, I already back in your arms again and the moment I see you after that failed journey, I realize that you're the one I want to be with. For the rest of my life. You're the one can make my life less miserable. Most importantly, you're the only one who can keep me alive...

...and knowing all these things, I don't see why you want to be with her. Why I'm not enough for you? Why do you need a third person in this whole thing we call love? If you are just being nice to her, accompanying her to here and there, why can't you just go back home after spending the whole day with her?

Why do I even need to tell you all this? Don't you love me anymore?

For all that I care in the world... why aren't you here right now? With me?

I miss you. I need you. ...and you know that...

Imagining....

All this time, I never see her so happy. But today, I could see that she did.
I don't even know what's so wonderful about that person that she could literally give her arm for.

She seems really care for her. Oh, no. That I have heard before.
She seems really trust her. Another cliché .
...and it also seems that the person seems to really care about her.
and just maybe, she trusts her too...

But, then... Why I keep on remembering the times when she was so devastated after she was betrayed by her 2 best friends?
...and why, not even a second that she think of a possibility that this person could turn her back on her?

After all what she been through... why is she still keep on letting people stepped into her life?

I tried so hard...to remind her to keep the distance between her and her circle of friends. So she won't get hurt later on...

Why isn't she listening to me?

True Self

A person who has a lot of things in her mind…
Bothered by all the things around her…
Always put other people before her very own self…

Taking what others said so seriously, acts as if the world is laid on her shoulder…
That’s what her friends always said about her…
Even though, the truth…
No one knows except herself…

Sometimes, I wonder…
The person who appears in front of everyone…
Is she really acting as herself? Or is it really just an act?
The reflections of her personality in the eyes of these people…
The thoughts that embedded in the heads of people who claimed they knew her so well… To think that they even called her as
“A very good friend of mine…”

As always, I amazed with the way she actually fooled everyone…
Including myself long ago…
But I can’t help but wonder…
Why these people always ended up believing in her? Is she really worth it?
Well, probably that is not the question here…

You may think that you know her…
You may think that you are one of her friends…
You may think that she is actually cares about you…
or… You may think that she’s gonna be there for you…

Offering her very own hands and trying her best reaching out for you…
But be warned…
You may be wrong about everything…
Every single thing…

… To the very last moment of her life…
Standing closely to her…
Embracing her soul stronger than anything else in the world..
Watching her closely…
Hearing her thoughts every less than one second…
I will be with her…

Loneliness

I have always been thinking…
Why do I feel alone all the time?
Am I really destined to be this way?
Been surrounding by the loneliness itself had made me so distant even though I’m sitting closely next to someone…

It’s so cold… Even though I’m standing under the bright sun…

Someone told me before…
That no matter how bright the light radiated upon you, there will be the shadow that hiding somewhere behind your back…
Waiting to be seen by your eyes… consumed by your heart and drained to your soul like a sip of the sweetest red wine…
Then…
The darkness will come to you…
You will feel as if the world has turn its back on you…
Coldness, pain… I wonder what else exist beyond the loneliness…
This loneliness…

Tired by the high expectations of the people around me,
I gave up everything that I once loved doing it… and not long after,
I realized… that is the only thing I’ve been doing all my life…

Life was very interesting… I learned new things everyday…
I met new people that I called later as friends…
Experienced great things…
Everybody thought that I can be a great person…

But somehow…the pressure was too much… and all of a sudden…
Someone that I trusted so well…
Betrayed me…
At the very moment… I lost my direction…
I lost my sense of judgement…
I started to treat people that I once loved… as my enemies..
Running away from everything…
Was the only solution that I can think of during that time…
My worst nightmare had come into reality when everything that I worked on was crushed…
I was broken…
My heart that once filled with warmth and hope had turned into ice-cold…
Its colour…had darkened by hatred…
As I crawled into the very depth of sadness…
No one was there to offer me words of wisdom…
Just to make me myself again…
Everything that I believed in…
Had turned into something that I’m strongly against with…
Everything was a lie… But I believed in it… and now..
There is no place for me to go… I was abondoned…
Left alone… in the shadow…
…and now, you asked me… If there’s a hope?
I wonder… If God’s Light will shine upon me again…

… Erika Crosszeria

I Tried So Hard

All this time, I’ve been lying to myself about everything.

Every single thing.

What I want, where I want to be, who I want to be with, why I’m here…
what I believe in…

Everything is a lie… I wonder how did I got this far…
Deceiving people all the way…

I’m nothing but a liar… Not only to people I care mostly,
but also to myself…

Why is it in the first place I didn’t argue about all these things in front of me?
Why did I just let things happened without even trying to stop them?
Why did I just let myself to bear all these faults as if I’m the only one to blame?
… or is it because it is my fault to begin with?

I tried so hard to resist…
but it seems everything had already consumed me.

I want to run away from here…
But I can’t just find the key to unlock this gate of loneliness…

Even though everything looks so beautiful…
A part of me had already overwhelmed by this fake happiness…
but I can still sense another part of me, even though it’s just a small part… that yearning for someone to pull myself away…

I want to go somewhere I truly belong…
Is there any place I can go?
Is it even exist?

I want to go back to my past… and change my destiny…
So I wouldn’t end up like this…
No… there’s no way I can do that…

Should I wait for something to happen? Before I can finally freed myself from here?
..or shouldn’t I?

Save me… from myself…

新たな出逢い

あの時は覚えますか？




あなたが私を愛して言った時に．．．




私はいつもでもあの時を覚えているよ．．．




ずっと．．．ずっと．．．












恋人な出逢い．．．

あなたのいない世界

私はその笑顔が私に必要だ．．．


だからあなたのいない世界は．．


やっぱり．．．それはむりだ．．．




君が私の光だから

刻、動き出す

あの時も私に君を分かんないけど．．．


でも．．．考えた．．．考えました．．．


君の事が．．．

We're Not the Same

I saw the darkness in your heart.. long before you realize it...

But it doesn't mean you are like me... I've done a lot of thing that I always know that there's no way I can undo them..

I don't want you to be like me...

All I want it just for you to be happy..

In the Verge of...

The fact I was born from a family like that... The fact that I owe every single thing to them...

Is just a proof that there's no way I can run away from what had been bestowed upon me as the sole inheritor of everything that had been passed from generation to generation...

My family is known as the enemy clan... and there's of course another clan that wants to destroy us no matter what are the consequences....

As we have done so may grave sins... and it seems there's no way we can return from the place we went...

But after so many years.... I found you... A contradiction to everything of what I am...

Having a strong desire to be with you means I have offended my family...

Actually, more like betrayed them....

Ironic isn't it? A betrayer in a betrayal clan....

If I'm going against everything that is natural for me, will you still be there?

For me?

Your Eyes

Don't look at me with your eyes like that. They're so beautiful and all I can say that your eyes are the first thing that told me that you're right for me...

The moment I looked into your eyes, I knew it right away... Next thing I knew, I abandoned all the things that had been holding me back from going to you... I gave myself to you... I bowed to your needs and commands...

As someone who's been living in darkness for so many years, all I could see that your eyes are so bright... and they always tell you what I'm having on my mind... As if they shine right through me.... Examining every single cell in my body, deriving every single thought that passed through my mind... Integrating all the feelings I felt in my heart....

Your eyes... they're reflecting images of me... that's how I knew, even from the very beginning, how much you want me to take you with me...

On this journey that we'll be together forever...

In the Silence of the Shining Sky

Praise your cold tears
When time is up
You’ll search for the light
And open up the darkness, right?

The scarlet singing voice
Will dye your chest
Like a melody that you eternally yearn for
Yet it’s quick to scatter

In the silence of the shining sky
There exists my garden
Someday, you’ll make your way
To the far side of the shore

The darkness of the night protecting the moon
Whispers a lullaby
Until the eyes of a child who doesn’t cry
Are moistened by a dream

Goodbye
Because I can’t ever meet you again
As if the night gouges my chest
Lovingly and madly

In the silence of the shining sky
There exists your home
Across the darkness where the moon sets
You’ll return to your origin
On a narrow path

Song by Kalafina
the translation is from here

It Feels So Lonely....

No one's here with me...

I wonder... Where is everybody?

I never feel so lonely like this before...

Is this a weakness?

Is there an ally out there? How do I escape from this feeling?